First Taste of Loss

My first sip of loss, like a fine wine gone dry on my lips,

               On my tongue.

It slides down my throat like honey but tastes more like tar.

It comes in the simplest form; innocence.

Bittersweet, it’s ingredients mixed together with something else

                    That doesn’t belong, small enough that you only

                     Notice in the aftertaste, a bitter bit of nothing that

                     You could ignore…but can’t.

The first taste of loss, like ancient candy between my teeth.

So old it’s melted itself into something bland, no longer sweet with

                       Only a memory of delicious and saccharine it once

                        Was.

I struggle to swallow and retch with each attempt but still deep down

                         Inside I know I must choke down every bitter morsel,

                         Every tasteless bite until it’s lodged in my gut.

Because this too is a part of life and this too is worth consuming even

                         If it leaves me never ever wanting more.

I wonder where all this will ever take me

I seem to spend the majority of my time at school, though i'm starting to wonder why. At least at this institution. I feel as though i'm wasting my time at a school where my major is a step away from being put on the chopping block evey second and it's almost impossible to take any general education, what community college is actually meant fo, because the school is so under-funded and over crowded that I can never register for a class in time. I've been seriously looking into University of Oregon because they have a fantastic Journalism program, but at the moment it too is looking bleak as I just don't know how i'm going to afford the move =/. I don't want to live in a dorm because it's actually more expensive than an apartment and my boyfriend and I want to find a place together, not to mention I still have been unable to get my license >_>. It just seems like so much, and I want out of this rat hole called Modesto so bad. I've never hated a place with such fierocity. I feel happy when i'm just relaxing with him...but so stressed and manic when I think about what seems to be a far off future that I can feel in my heart, but just can't see in front of me. I'm not even sure that i'm in the correct major...but all I know how to do is write, I can't think of anything i'd rather do. If writing was all that was required in Journalism it would be perfect, but it's not. There's so much more, so much social interaction and honestly, I know i'm a good writer, but i'm an awful reporter. I still haven't been able to completley shed the introvert inside of me, i've gotten better, but it's still pretty bad >_<. People frighten me, I don't know why, but I choke in front of strangers. Anyway...I guessI just wish I could find something certain to grab onto, to know i'm on the right path...but I suppose everyone wants that don't they? If we were certain we were doing the right thing all the time, where would the adventure or risk be I guess. But I hope there is more adventure than risk in this journey.

My dog died this week

I've had my German Shepherd, Max, since I was nine. I'm twenty now and he's gone...his back legs went out and he was in a lot of pain so we put him to sleep. It seems like such an average thing, so small to some people and yet for me, someone who has never experienced anything dying, anything I really knew anyway, it's surreal. I can't seem to wrap my head around him being gone...just gone. He was such a constant in my life for so long that I feel like something's off about my home now, I feel like any second he'll come galloping around the corner out of our hallway and I'll give him a biscuit and pet him on the head. His death marked more for me than the death of an animal that was more than a pet, but a member of my family and one of the most loving things I've ever known. It marked the end of my childhood. I know I should have seen that as over a long time ago, but somehow it didn't seem like it until now, for the first time I've come to the realization that nothing will ever be the same and from this point forward, loss will come more an more frequently. Loss of each and every thing that once meant comfort and security and innocence, all the things that make being a child such a precious thing. I'm an adult now...and i'm going to have to learn to be stronger. The loss of Max shook me to the core, so what about when it's a person? Will I shut down? Will I give up? I'd like to think not, but i don't know. I feel like I am grieving two separate entities this week, and one of them is me.





[RIP Max. We'll never forget you, and we'll always love you.]