A daughter's heart

This hole in my stomach runs so deep that I could fall through it
and never touch the bottom.
The ground I tread lightly on my toes feels like broken glass.
I've been picking slivers out of my skin since I learned to take a step.
Every time I put my hands up to be held you drop me on the ground,
and every time I call out for help you quiet my mouth.
Somewhere in my brain there's a place where memories always stay
and even when everything has changed they're locked in
a secret, faded place.
Somewhere in there, in the safe I've locked a father that cared and watched
his daughter with a smile.
I can faintly tell that at one time you didn't yell at me for every spill
and every slip.
I can almost see in my memory a little girl who's best friend was her Daddy.
But she grew older and you grew sad, and we forgot how to speak.
Every time I try to tell you who I am, your ears, they're fast asleep.
Every time that I try to be close again, you push me far out of your life.
But you grow older, and I grow sad, and slowly I stop trying Dad.
And I hope one day when a child is mine, that her father will hold her every time
she puts her hands up to be held.
And that he will come running to her side when she calls out for help,
and that when she is old enough to tell him who she is,
that he already knows.
You were the first man to ever break my heart,
and I hope someday my daughter never knows what it's like
to grow and watch her father fade into the dark.
But I open up my memories and Daddy their you are,
and even after all the pain, and after all the scars,
you'll never leave this broken daughter's heart.


I was feeling sad on Fathers day, I love my Dad, but I wish I could remove his bitterness and make him the father he was to me when I was small...

Dear me.

Dear 15 year old self,


I know you so well and yet I also forget you entirely. You have so many dreams and assumptions, and you will lose them all. Perhaps lose is too harsh a word, maybe "loosen your grip on" might be better. I know how badly you want to stay young and how torn you are between that and the fact that deep down you know that life will be better when you're older, because once you're an adult the world will be easier, that people will take you seriously, that you will be able to do and go wherever you want. I'm here to tell you that I'm sorry honey, but none of that is true. I'm 20 today, 21 in four months and nothing is easier, no one takes me seriously, I can't go anywhere outside of this terrible town. I remember being your age, I had more of a life then than I do now. Some of it's my own fault, but honestly a lot of it is out of my control, so if I could give you any advice, do well in school, get your license early, keep your Target job at seventeen, figure out early who you're real friends are and hold them with an iron grip, research career paths for thoroughly, and most importantly...


...enjoy every single moment that you're not an adult.