Lifeless or just wordless?

I used to know that I was a writer....

But now I don't know.
I've developed so much doubt in my abilities, my self esteem is at the lowest it's been since early high school, and I can't seem to write anything good anymore...
I just don't feel it, everyone says "just write, just get it done," and i'm wondering if maybe thats why I can't, because everyone just wants me to "get it done" i'm so tired of everybody else...I feel like I need to go somewhere all by myself for a while and just breathe and be me, figure out everything...what I want, who I am, what and who I want to be...I don't know. I miss being a kid more than I think I ever believed possible, life sucked, but at least I could escape into my own mind, at least the responsibility of life wasn't so heavy on my shoulders. Now life sucks in a different way...a way I can't describe or escape. I don't feel the angst of being a teenager or the fear of a child, i'm just...not happy. It's so simple and so complex, I can't describe the feeling, it's just frustrated discontent. I think part of it is that I no longer seem to have an outlet to let out my frustrations, I try to write and either nothing comes to mind or else it comes out as this frustrated attempt that turns into nothing except angry words and expletives. It's crippling to me, I feel like someone has chopped off my legs and arms. I feel breathless..I feel...lifeless.

I need artistic resuscitation...

Becoming

My body is a chrysalis, numb in becoming.
It's set in quiet motion, it's skin transforming.
Touch it and it will quiver underneath your palm.
I'm just trying to make you understand.
I'm just trying to make you see.
I'm just trying to make you understand, who I am, that I don't know.
What you see is not what I see.
Two separate colors, two different shapes.
You see yin and I see yang.
So be patient with my body as it forms a peace between the two.
Shaking somewhere inside this green cocoon, I don't want you to come inside.
Not yet my love, but soon, when I arise look in my eyes.
And show me what you see, and I hope so will I.
My body is a chrysalis, and I am safe inside.
I am safe from all the horrid things I am and have become.
Wait for me, or walk from me, I deserve you none.
Patience Love, when I emerge my wings will wrap us whole,
              my body is a metamorphosis, incomplete, not whole.
If you'll wait I swear to you, my body will be open to you freely,
              I won't shake under your touch, I want to see what you see.
My body is a chrysalis, fragile, shaken, new.
Wait for me, my love...my love, and I will find my way out to you.

        

Today was an odd day

     I found out almost first thing this morning that my major and all mass communication majors have been cut from Modesto Junior College, which means either just do General Education next year or else start really getting on the ball about leaving to go to a different school. I'm frustrated because for one I now have no fall back for next Fall, and two it's wrong and unfair that the school expects everyone in those programs to just drop their majors because alot of us don't have transportation or money to go somewhere else -they told us that those classes were cut because there aren't ""any jobs in the workforce for this type of education"", um....what?-.

     So, in short, I was not having a good day, but then again neither was anyone else with one of those majors who heard the news. But then I went to a Poetry Slam at MJC tonight which really rejuvenated me for awhile. Hearing people with such passion speak with such beauty really made me feel like I could do something, for real. I wanted to feel the passion these people felt, I mean I do want to feel it. But as I got left the Slam I could feel that feeling washing away with the rain as thoughts of difficulties and frustrations once again filled my brain...for once i'd love to hold onto that feeling, that passion, that motivation, but I feel like as soon as it rises up inside me it dissapears, and i'm once again hopeless and lazy. It's been this way as long as I can remember...I don't know what to do....I miss writing, and I want to feel good again. I wonder if God is making it more difficult as a challenge to me, as if he's saying, "Well, what now, do something." I want to...I want to be like my sister, she's never heard the word no her entire life, and look, she's basically gotten everything she's ever wanted. But how do I change everything about who i've always been? All the negative things anyway...? One poet tonight stated in her poem "we're always becoming", but i'm afraid of what will become of me.

I need motivation...

     I haven't posted anything in awhile [since my last blog which lacked any paragraphs or breaks whatsoever and was pretty much a product of being upset >_>. But still looks terrible]. Anyway, I figured why not post again, it's probably a good writing exercise, and I could use as many of those as I can get. I can honestly say that I am on the biggest writing freeze in my entire life, and it makes me very sad, because I love writing, it's my dream-or at least it used to be..-I don't really know anymore. I don't really know what my motivation is in general anymore. Lately I've just felt restless and like i'm crawling in my own skin trying to get out, I feel a scream building up inside of me like I have many times before but it's different this time.

     This scream isn't compiled of angst and self hatred or the need to feel loved, instead it's made up of frustration and dissapointment and an anxiety that I can only describe as one of the most adult feelings i've ever had. It's the anxiety of someone who knows that from here time will only slip faster through my fingers and every moment that i'm not working toward something larger and greater for my life I feel like i'm wasting that time. The dissapointment is primarily in myself...in my inability to become motivated despite that anxiety, motivated in school or in losing weight -i've gained about fifty pounds since this time last year...- and dissapointment in the mere fact that i'm watching every person i've grown up with leave and begin their lives and do things while i'm still here...stuck...and I have only myself to blame. Procrastination, stubbornness, laziness..they're all to blame. How to fix things? I'm really not sure anymore, but I know I can't keep going the way I am. I want to say I have a plan, but really I don't. I keep making promises I don't keep and it's really putting me at ends with myself...motivation is key, but I don't know where to find it from deep within me, especially when I don't even know exactly what I want to be motivated for anymore.

     But I guess I should start somewhere so:

In the next 9 months:

-lose sixty pounds
-get my damn license
-find a new job
-Make a final decision on my career path and follow it through to a T without cutting corners
-Find a new and productive hobby

In the next year:

-Buy a car
-Save enough money for me and Nick to get our own place
- Decide on a school and apply
-Move to Oregon [or wherever else our little hearts may desire, as long as its out of God awful Modesto]
-Be happy? [I sure as hell hope so.]



So I guess thats a start...but will I do it? I suppose that's for me to decide...


God help us. >_>

I miss inside jokes

I miss having someone to really talk to. I can talk to my boyfriend..but I can't talk about everything...like I can't talk about us from a different point of view like I could with a close friend and get his feedback without having him take it the wrong way, because that's just how relationships work. You talk about certain things with your boyfriend and certain things with your friends that's just how it goes, pretty understandable right? Relationships are hard and when your fighting or things are shaky it's nice to have someone else to confide in, because no matter how good your relationship is it will be shaky at some point, it's inevitable to have bad times. I just miss the days in high school when I had that best friend to go to during those times, during any kind of bad time, and suddenly over the last year that comfort has disappeared along with almost every I had...sure we all still talk once in awhile and meet up when we realize it's been just a little too long, but really it's not the same....that bond I once had is gone and I have to recognize that fact every day. I love my boyfriend, very much, but that doesn't mean I don't miss sleepovers with my friends, hanging out at the park, or just walking around the mall doing nothing. I miss being sixteen and I'm only twenty, aren't you supposed to be forty before you miss that? I know I changed, a lot, did a lot of things i'm not proud of, and grew distant. But I don't believe that it's all MY fault alone, I was part of it, but it wasn't just me that faded away. I can't remember the last time I had an inside joke with anybody...and some how that sucks most of all. I'm not the dork anymore that hung out in the middle of a group and wondered if I was really part of it, i'm the woman that knows that I always was and took it for granted. I stopped, I learned how to breathe again, I put down the bottle and stopped crying in the bathroom drunk, I gained about fifty pounds and began looking at where I wanted to start my life, and in the midst of all that I met who I believe is the love of my life, and we have a relationship, it isn't perfect but he loves me and so far he's the only one who hasn't left and who says he never will and so I suppose we'll make our own inside jokes and hang at the park and go to the movies and have sleepovers, because he's my best friend now.  So, that's what i've been up to friends, thats my life now, I miss you but I guess that's growing up, I'll be here if you ever want what we once had as kids...but I guess in perspective it will never be the same huh? Nostalgia is a dirty prankster, leaving banana peels in my brain to slip on when i'm feeling my weakest, but I know that now I have someone to catch me where my childhood friends once did. So relationships get shaky, and I'll need friends now and then, but i'm glad for the one that I have, the one that holds my heart. I think i keep going on with this blog tonight because I don't know how to end it...i'm in a very weird mood, mixed together with nostalgia, fear, sadness and gratefulness, and honestly i'd take a warm hug right now quite openly. So i'll end with this, I began writing this blog feeling uncertain and scared and lonely, and am now ending it feeling a twinge of all of those still, but now also I feel glad to have him, and I just want him to get home from class so I can curl up in his arms and feel safe again, safe from the memories of an easier time when I was a child and safe from the thoughts wondering if it was my fault after all...and will I screw up that badly again with him? I can't lose another friend.