Really

All I really want to do is completley start over. Shave my head, sell my things, buy a car, completley re-invent myself, and in that process perhaps finally like myself. And just drive, and whatever place I run out of gas, that's where I'll start. If I don't like it there, fill up the tank and keep going until I find a place where I wake up in the morning and feel happy. That sounds pretty nice to me. A new beginning every day, until I find one that I like.

FUCK

I'm going to be stuck in this stupid piece of shit town the rest of my life working stupid insignificant jobs for the sole purpose of surviving. I think living for the pure sake of remaining alive is the dumbest thing anyone could ever do. What's the point if you make it to 90 fucking years old if you never actually LIVED.

Fuck it. Fuck everything, fuck society, fuck this stupid town, fuck everyone. I hate being alive because I can't do it right, and I don't want to die because I'm afraid I won't like it much better. I'm fucking stuck and full of hate, most of it directed at myself and I don't want to talk to anyone about it because they all just think i'm overdramatic and childish and ridiculous and so I am also all by my fucking self with my own fucking thoughts and a blog that no one fucking reads anyway. I'm sick to fucking death of every single fucking little thing.

But most of all, I'm sick of me. Sick of not living and fearing death. Sick of being stuck in between suicide and fear, of wanting to die but really, just wanting to live, of being a child in an adults body and never ever feeling like I am making the right choice.

FUCK!