I have to get back on track >_>

I'm so far off track it's ridiculous. I need to re-begin my stupid diet, I need to start calling places for jobs, I need to get on my license, I need to read again, breathe again, live again. I feel like my current state is all my fault...I don't feel like i'm living, only that i'm existing. The one thing I never wanted for myself. I feel as though all of the passion I once had has completely leaked out of my body into a massive puddle somewhere. And all I want now is to find that puddle and find a way to jump into it again, I feel so drained of life. I feel like a job and a car would help, but then I ask myself..would it? Or would I just find another excuse to do nothing again. Will I end up just like my father? A product of my own low self esteem and laziness, sitting in the same spot day after day wishing for a better life as I am doing now? I'm terrified of that...i'm wondering how to push past my genes into being the person I so dearly want to be, a person in charge of herself, a person unafraid to do anything, anything at all in order to achieve her dreams, a person with freedom coursing through her veins instead of stagnant blood. Stagnant. That's a very accurate word for my life right now, somehow I need to set it into motion. Somehow.