The child in me...

It's funny, when I try to look backwards in my mind to even two years ago, it feels fuzzy. All those times I had with friends...It's like if you knew when the last time you did something would be you'd cherish more, you'd make fireworks and a banner and have a parade to mark that day in your mind so that you'd never forget it. But that's just not how life works, that last time comes and goes and suddenly after some time has passed you try to remember when it was...and you can't. I knew at the time that none of those times would last forever, and yet I still felt down deep in my heart that somehow there was no way they would ever change. I've been dealing with different bouts of nostalgia for awhile now...since I graduated High School I suppose. Some people deal with the realization that they are indeed adults very well, and then other people like myself..accept it, embrace it, but at the same time fight it with every molecule in our bodies. There are portions of adulthood that I love; more freedom, the ability to make decisions that I couldn't before.

But other than that I miss being a kid. I was never the kid who couldn't wait to grow up, I knew how good I had it and I was determined to keep it that way, I don't think I took the full advantage of my childhood but still...it was less stressful, that's for sure. I didn't think so at the time, but what kid does? Now I feel the weight of the world and my own mortality pressing down on my shoulders like never before, because I know now that it's a landslide from here, and will just continue to go faster. With age brings excitement, wisdom, but also ultimately death. I also come to the realization day in and day out that I can't go back, I can never again be that child I once was, it seems like a simple fact but to me, the idea of "never again" puts a sharp pain in my heart. I feel as though I do everything now not because I necessarily want to, but because I figure it's what I must do, and that as an adult I have to do what I must to move forward.

I've always been resistant to change, I guess that's one thing I may never outgrow. I'm the person who loves to be comfortable but hates consistency; a true contradiction. I want to at least, keep some part of the child I was inside me, to keep all the different varieties of normal I've experienced somewhere in my mind...