I miss inside jokes

I miss having someone to really talk to. I can talk to my boyfriend..but I can't talk about everything...like I can't talk about us from a different point of view like I could with a close friend and get his feedback without having him take it the wrong way, because that's just how relationships work. You talk about certain things with your boyfriend and certain things with your friends that's just how it goes, pretty understandable right? Relationships are hard and when your fighting or things are shaky it's nice to have someone else to confide in, because no matter how good your relationship is it will be shaky at some point, it's inevitable to have bad times. I just miss the days in high school when I had that best friend to go to during those times, during any kind of bad time, and suddenly over the last year that comfort has disappeared along with almost every I had...sure we all still talk once in awhile and meet up when we realize it's been just a little too long, but really it's not the same....that bond I once had is gone and I have to recognize that fact every day. I love my boyfriend, very much, but that doesn't mean I don't miss sleepovers with my friends, hanging out at the park, or just walking around the mall doing nothing. I miss being sixteen and I'm only twenty, aren't you supposed to be forty before you miss that? I know I changed, a lot, did a lot of things i'm not proud of, and grew distant. But I don't believe that it's all MY fault alone, I was part of it, but it wasn't just me that faded away. I can't remember the last time I had an inside joke with anybody...and some how that sucks most of all. I'm not the dork anymore that hung out in the middle of a group and wondered if I was really part of it, i'm the woman that knows that I always was and took it for granted. I stopped, I learned how to breathe again, I put down the bottle and stopped crying in the bathroom drunk, I gained about fifty pounds and began looking at where I wanted to start my life, and in the midst of all that I met who I believe is the love of my life, and we have a relationship, it isn't perfect but he loves me and so far he's the only one who hasn't left and who says he never will and so I suppose we'll make our own inside jokes and hang at the park and go to the movies and have sleepovers, because he's my best friend now.  So, that's what i've been up to friends, thats my life now, I miss you but I guess that's growing up, I'll be here if you ever want what we once had as kids...but I guess in perspective it will never be the same huh? Nostalgia is a dirty prankster, leaving banana peels in my brain to slip on when i'm feeling my weakest, but I know that now I have someone to catch me where my childhood friends once did. So relationships get shaky, and I'll need friends now and then, but i'm glad for the one that I have, the one that holds my heart. I think i keep going on with this blog tonight because I don't know how to end it...i'm in a very weird mood, mixed together with nostalgia, fear, sadness and gratefulness, and honestly i'd take a warm hug right now quite openly. So i'll end with this, I began writing this blog feeling uncertain and scared and lonely, and am now ending it feeling a twinge of all of those still, but now also I feel glad to have him, and I just want him to get home from class so I can curl up in his arms and feel safe again, safe from the memories of an easier time when I was a child and safe from the thoughts wondering if it was my fault after all...and will I screw up that badly again with him? I can't lose another friend.