I haven't posted anything in awhile [since my last blog which lacked any paragraphs or breaks whatsoever and was pretty much a product of being upset >_>. But still looks terrible]. Anyway, I figured why not post again, it's probably a good writing exercise, and I could use as many of those as I can get. I can honestly say that I am on the biggest writing freeze in my entire life, and it makes me very sad, because I love writing, it's my dream-or at least it used to be..-I don't really know anymore. I don't really know what my motivation is in general anymore. Lately I've just felt restless and like i'm crawling in my own skin trying to get out, I feel a scream building up inside of me like I have many times before but it's different this time.
This scream isn't compiled of angst and self hatred or the need to feel loved, instead it's made up of frustration and dissapointment and an anxiety that I can only describe as one of the most adult feelings i've ever had. It's the anxiety of someone who knows that from here time will only slip faster through my fingers and every moment that i'm not working toward something larger and greater for my life I feel like i'm wasting that time. The dissapointment is primarily in myself...in my inability to become motivated despite that anxiety, motivated in school or in losing weight -i've gained about fifty pounds since this time last year...- and dissapointment in the mere fact that i'm watching every person i've grown up with leave and begin their lives and do things while i'm still here...stuck...and I have only myself to blame. Procrastination, stubbornness, laziness..they're all to blame. How to fix things? I'm really not sure anymore, but I know I can't keep going the way I am. I want to say I have a plan, but really I don't. I keep making promises I don't keep and it's really putting me at ends with myself...motivation is key, but I don't know where to find it from deep within me, especially when I don't even know exactly what I want to be motivated for anymore.
But I guess I should start somewhere so:
In the next 9 months:
-lose sixty pounds
-get my damn license
-find a new job
-Make a final decision on my career path and follow it through to a T without cutting corners
-Find a new and productive hobby
In the next year:
-Buy a car
-Save enough money for me and Nick to get our own place
- Decide on a school and apply
-Move to Oregon [or wherever else our little hearts may desire, as long as its out of God awful Modesto]
-Be happy? [I sure as hell hope so.]
So I guess thats a start...but will I do it? I suppose that's for me to decide...
God help us. >_>
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