I found out almost first thing this morning that my major and all mass communication majors have been cut from Modesto Junior College, which means either just do General Education next year or else start really getting on the ball about leaving to go to a different school. I'm frustrated because for one I now have no fall back for next Fall, and two it's wrong and unfair that the school expects everyone in those programs to just drop their majors because alot of us don't have transportation or money to go somewhere else -they told us that those classes were cut because there aren't ""any jobs in the workforce for this type of education"", um....what?-.
So, in short, I was not having a good day, but then again neither was anyone else with one of those majors who heard the news. But then I went to a Poetry Slam at MJC tonight which really rejuvenated me for awhile. Hearing people with such passion speak with such beauty really made me feel like I could do something, for real. I wanted to feel the passion these people felt, I mean I do want to feel it. But as I got left the Slam I could feel that feeling washing away with the rain as thoughts of difficulties and frustrations once again filled my brain...for once i'd love to hold onto that feeling, that passion, that motivation, but I feel like as soon as it rises up inside me it dissapears, and i'm once again hopeless and lazy. It's been this way as long as I can remember...I don't know what to do....I miss writing, and I want to feel good again. I wonder if God is making it more difficult as a challenge to me, as if he's saying, "Well, what now, do something." I want to...I want to be like my sister, she's never heard the word no her entire life, and look, she's basically gotten everything she's ever wanted. But how do I change everything about who i've always been? All the negative things anyway...? One poet tonight stated in her poem "we're always becoming", but i'm afraid of what will become of me.
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